


Blank page

by QueenAnnxiety



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: College!AU, Depression, Exchange students, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-05-21 06:25:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6041527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenAnnxiety/pseuds/QueenAnnxiety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes studying abroad makes you feel lonely and homesick. So when Chanyeol gets a Korean roommate he is all too happy. Also he falls in love at first sight. But the problem is: Byun Baekhyun is way too perfect - till he is not anymore and Chanyeol is afraid, he ruined a blank page.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lust or love?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey :) I hope you like it, so have fun reading. <3

A blank page. This is what Chanyeol is looking at. He starts typing his University name and gets lost checking the spelling because German words are fucking hard you know and then he stares at a blank page plus _Universität Leipzig_. He copy pastes the address and adds his name. Yes. This essay is going good so far. Just 20 more pages. He blinks. The title next. He tips the first word when suddenly there is a loud thud and a lot of swearing. He blinks again. Is this Korean? He immediately gets up and bursts out of his room, neglecting his essay, only to find the cause of commotion in front of his door. Or more like Sehun’s old door, next to his. Sehun has been his dorm roommate for the last semester and became one of his best friends. But unfortunately he has gone back to Korea three weeks ago, leaving Chanyeol and his English study essay to himself. He actually cried when the other left. But only the first three nights. Because he still has language issues and culture shock and Sehun has been his light for the whole semester. So when he opens the door and finds a Korean speaking guy in the corridor, crouching on the floor, writhing in pain, he is all too happy. He starts grinning when the other guy looks up to him, beautiful face, clear skin, a lot of eyeliner, heart skipping, with a frown on his face.

»This is not funny! My huge ass anatomy book just fell on my bare feet and I think it’s broken,« he says in good, but thick accented English and Chanyeol can’t help to grin even more. This voice is so cute and the frown even more and so handsome and he thinks he is in love. So he holds out his hand for the guy who takes it and when he stands up, he is so tiny and Chanyeol knows he just fell in love.

»I’m sorry, I’m just happy another Korean moved in next door. Park Chanyeol,« he says in Korean and the other widens his eyes. »I’m Byun Baekhyun, 24 years old from Bucheon. I study medicine. Which you could have guessed.« He grins cutely. »I’m moving in right now. I look like a mess, I’m sorry.«

»You look really go- perfectly fine. It’s okay. I’m writing an essay, I didn’t even shower today, ha.« He laughs awkwardly. Damn, why hasn’t he showered?! Now his perfectly styled roommate thinks he is a gross super hobo/has no friends/is a loser. Instead of looking down on him with those pretty eyes, he laughs with him.

»I know this state. End of semester I look like a zombie. Don’t worry. I just had a 20 hour trip and I’m going to sleep now. Maybe we can watch something together later? Some Anime?«

»I love you, man,« Chanyeol blurts out in English and it’s a little too true. Baekhyun winks at him and then disappears behind Sehun’s doors. Chanyeol blinks, goes back to his essay and stares at his blank page – page number two.

_Byun Baekhyun_

_24_

_From Bucheon_

_Studies Medicine_

_Most gorgeous person ever_

Well, now he has broken his blank page syndrome but can’t concentrate anyways. All that he types for the rest of the day is

_Baekchan_

*

Byun Baekhyun doesn’t come over to watch anime. Which is really sad. Chanyeol even hangs out in the kitchen for a bit to maybe catch a glimpse of him and is ready to think that Byun Baekhyun never existed and is just a product of his imagination and longing for a new friend. He just hangs out on Instagram, facebook and youtube for the rest of the evening and spends his night actually doing his essay. At two in the morning he hears a click of the door and he knows that at least Byun Baekhyun is not his sex deprived imagination. But he doesn’t come nonetheless. He must be tired.

*

The next time he sees him it’s actually two days later and the other looks stunningly good, even better than before and Chanyeol – who fell a little out of love so he could write and finish his due essay – falls right back into it, hitting it hard, actually. He grins at Baekyun like the lovestruck idiot he is and greets him from across the kitchen/living room that he passes to go out.

»Chanyeolie!,« he greets impolite as if they are really great friends but Chanyeol doesn’t mind, no, loves it. »Sorry, I had the worst jetlag ever. I’m going out for a bit, looking around campus.«

»I can show you!«

Baekhyun looks a little taken aback and then shakes his head and Chanyeol feels like High School all over again except that he actually confessed to a girl he liked and she told him, she already has a boyfriend. Also his ears are too big. Chanyeol cried but only one night.

»Uh, I want to be alone because my wifi log-in still doesn’t work so I go to a Starbucks or something to call my boyfrieee-eee-my friend.«

…

BOYFRIEND? It’s WORSE than High School. It’s like maybe he would have liked his ears but he’ll never know because Baekhyun has a BOYFRIEND. It also meant that technically Chanyeol has a chance but he never knows because Byun Baekyhun has a BOYFRIEND.

»A boyfriend?,« Chanyeol says cooly over his internal breakdown. »That’s okay, Sehun, the previous roommate was gay. It’s not a problem.«

Baekhyun’s eyes go big and round and cute and he looks relieved. »Yeah, he is my boyfriend. He lives in China, though. We met in our first semester and he went back to China now so I thought why not go abroad, too. To China, duh. But well, I guess the universe hates me ‘cause I landed in Germany. Why? My mum would say because I’m gay and it’s not right but she kinda grew on Kris lately and cried together with me before sending my ass here anyways. Stupid system.«

This moment when someone talks about their crush and you just drown it out because you don’t wanna hear it. Lalalalalala. Sunshine, rainbows. He needs Sehun back. His cute dongsaengie.

»Sucks, man…,« he hears himself answer and then Baekhyun just waves him goodbye. And this is how this great romance ended before it began.

*

Problem is: it doesn’t really end. At least not on Chanyeol’s side. Because what to do when you are two weeks before semester in a foreign country and your roommate speaks the same language? Yes, you force him to hang out with you. And this is how Chanyeol finds himself in bed with Baekhyun every day for a week. For watching cartoons and K-Drama of course. After some time Chanyeol gets the impression Baekhyun only likes him for his wifi log-in but then Baekyhun finally got his and they still sit side to side on Chanyeol’s mini student dorm bed. It’s nice. But he hates himself. It’s nice, Baekhyun smells nice, they have a lot of fun, it’s so warm where their jeans brush at each other, he wants to lean over, lean in, kiss. He hates himself. How can he be friends and think like that? It’s disgusting. Also, this room is suffocating. He tells himself it’s sexual frustration und no real feelings. This helps for a while.

»Chanyeolie… I found a room with a piano in it. Will you come play with me?«

Baekhyun is not two weeks in his life and he already gained the habit on just walking into his room without a warning. Luckily Chanyeol is mostly super boring and doesn’t do anything scandalous. He is looking up from his book.

»I don’t know how to play. I play the guitar.« He points out to Mathilda next to his bed.

»I know that’s why. Let’s jam a little!«

And because he can’t say no to those eyeliner black eyes he finds himself in a room he never saw inside the student’s dorm that has three old couches and a piano in it.

»Awesome!«

»I know, right… I’m a really loud singer, I hope you don’t mind.«

Chanyeol just shrugs and Baekhyun sits down on the piano, pressing the a minor chord. Baekhyun is so tiny in front of this piano and Chanyeol is hit by a wave of unpleasant pleasant feelings in his stomach. Just sexual frustrations, no feelings, he tells himself und then it doesn’t help anymore because Baekhyun starts singing.

A fucking ballad.

With playing the piano.

And how is Chanyeol not supposed to tear up by the end of the song? Baekhyun’s voice is like this of an angel. All his frustration and sadness suddenly come out. Sehun leaving. Him being lonely. Him wanting to have someone to love. And suddenly this is neither about sex or (hopefully) Baekhyun. A single tear rolls down his face when Baekyhun turns around, grinning in pride.

»Aw, no, Chanyeolie!!«

»Shut up, your singing is so lousy it makes me cry.« And then he laughs it off but he knows this won’t end any pretty.

*

For him, Baekhyun is a blank page. Because he wants to put his mark on him. Like when he sings it sounds so perfect it needs a scratch. The way he dresses, does his make-up, talks, walks. Neat and clean and perfect like an untouched canvas. Chanyeol wants to have his hand writing on it, rewrite it, scratch parts out like when he writes a song. He doesn’t. So Baekhyun just stays a blank page.

*

It’s the beginning of the semester, way too early to think and Chanyeol only has one coffee intus before he sees perfect Byun Baekhyun. He bites his lip.

»You can’t go to uni like that,« Chanyeol blurts out and he needs more coffee to survive.

»Why, I look really handsome.«

»Yes. Too handsome. Too sexy. The shirt is too much skin and too tight.« Chanyeol blushes up to his ears. Baekhyun just winks. »Will I distract you from studying? Besides I’ve seen many more wear it like this here, so don’t worry.«

In a gay club? Also this comment makes Chanyeol’s face even redder. »We don’t even study the same thing…,« he mumbles and lets the subject drop. It sure as hell distract him in his lunch time…

»Now walk me to my class, oppa!!«

Chanyeol squirms at the nickname but does so anyways because he really can’t say no to those eyes.

*

»This is Jongdae, Minseok-hyung and Kai. I met them in my English literature seminar. They have booze.«

»Then I like them,« Baekhyun answers. Jongdae holds out cans of beer which everyone takes and they fold onto the dorm couch like puzzle pieces, leaving Chanyeol of course next to Baekhyun pressing onto him. The other just showered and did his make-up and this time went all out since they are going to this student party later. »You look like an idol,« Minseok says what Chanyeol thinks and Baekhyun blushes, acting shy and embarrassed. »You, too. Everyone is so handsome. Except Chanyeol and his big ears.« It’s teasing but it kind of hurts. They drink until Baekyhun’s friends from med school arrive, bringing also their friend friends and Chanyeol can’t keep up with the names anymore.

»Was your name Suho?« He asks this one guy on their way to the party, already hammered, loud and noisy, Baekhyun singing a duet with Jongdae. »No, nobody is named Suho here…It’s actually-«

»I’m calling you Suho, Suho.« End of discussion.

So they look like a boyband now. His three friends, Baekyhun, himself, Suho, a stoned Chinese guy someone brought and a small guy called Kyungsoo. Chanyeol is drunk. Really drunk. And the party hasn’t even started.

But so is everyone else, really. The party is hosted in the cafeteria and outside are crowds of people talking in loud voices, because Germans love talking loudly. The drunker they got, the louder the talking. So they don’t stand around for long, just finishing up their bottle of liquor before going in. He still can’t believe it’s allowed to drink on the streets in Germany and it’s not even frowned upon. Mostly at least. (As long as you act like a decent human being.)

It’s stuffed inside. Suddenly someone clings to his arm and Chanyeol feels like fainting when he sees who it is. »Channie, I love you~!! Let’s go dancing.«

Chanyeol blushes but it could be the alcohol and follows Baekhyun onto the dancefloor. The DJ is aweful and this is a nice word for it. But since Chanyeol has never been to a club before, it’s the best he’s seen so far. Dancing. Now. His brain has a circuit and he can’t think straight anymore because he is supposed to dance. Next to Baekhyun. Who just starting moving and now he has a heart attack, too. Baekhyun sways his hips like he is in a Beyoncé video as the back ground dancer and if he hasn’t known the other was gay, he knows now. Baekhyun opens his eyes and looks at Chanyeol.

There is sweat on his forehead.

A light blush.

His lips slightly open, breathing heavily.

Baekhyun runs his fingers through his hair.

Chanyeol wants him. So, so bad. The alcohol lets him move on his own, grabbing at Baekhyun, pulling him into a kiss, to tell him how insane he gets around Baekhyun. But the other turns around a nanosecond before their lips brush and heads to the bar.

»WOAH, bro?! You and Baekhyun are really a thing? I thought you are just bromancing.«

Jongdae suddenly appears next to him and Chanyeol really wants to leave. But he also likes him and he needs new Korean friends that are open-minded like Jondae. He has already lived in the US and is really good in English and is really handsome and cool. So even if he was just rejected and butt hurt and hates himself for even trying making a move on a taken man, he sucks it up.

»No, we are not. I like him. But he has a boyfriend.«

Jongdae laughs in a drunken manner, half hugging him, patting his shoulder.

»Not for long, I think. This boy is thirsty, I can see it.«

»Wha- what?! WHAT? You can’t talk like that.« Chanyeol dies from embarrassment while the other more or less ignores him, concentrating on his drink and the ladies.

»Sorry, I’m really forward since I lived in the US… Well, anyways, don’t make them break up, that’s awful. But be there when he does it. Trust me, dude.«

Okay, maybe he doesn’t wanna be friends with this obnoxious cheeky face.

He decides to go back to Baekhyun, without trying to kiss him and get a glass of water to get sober. But before he reaches the bar, someone grabbed him by the hand and leads him outside with the toughest grip Chanyeol ever experienced. He is too shocked to fight it, also the blond back side of the head seems familiar. He rolls his eyes.

»Tao, hey,« he greets when they made it into a side exit. It’s cold, the music barely audible. Tao looks really good today. The other might be a bit annoying but he really can’t say something against Sehun’s taste.

»Chanyeol, I’m so glad I found you! I need Sehun’s address, please!«

His Korean is so thick accented and really cute. There is a shy smile on his face. So Chanyeol decides to mess with him.

»Why? Are you pregnant and you need to move in together?«

»What?,« he screeches out. »No, we didn’t even have sex. And uh, I’m not a girl…« He blushes really, really hard and then hides his face in his hands.

»You didn’t? Really?! I mean, uh, nothing.«

Leave it to Tao to have a mood change in under .5 seconds.

»What do you mean?«

Ironically Justin Bieber just starts to play and this DJ sucks so bad. And Chanyeol sucks at lying. So he just looks onto the ceiling hoping for the situation to be over.

»Did he tell you, we did it?«

Chanyeol looks to the ground.

»He did! I can’t believe it! He is the biggest jerk there is, I hate him so much right now.« Another mood swing and now there are tears in Tao’s eyes.

»I’m sorry Tao… listen, I bet he just wanted to impress me since I’m older and still a virgin. He didn’t even say that it was you who he did it with… He just told me he has like a fuck buddy or something.« Oh, fuck. Chanyeol is the most stupid person on this planet. He proved it for the second time this evening.

Now Tao just looks shocked and before he starts saying something, tears stream all over his face. »We’ve been together for four months now… I thought he was my boyfriend,« he stammers and it’s really hard to make out the words. Then there is Chinese swearing.

»Look, I’m sorry. All I know is that he liked you very much, okay. Are you here alone?«

Tao shakes his head. He hugs Chanyeol, crying onto his shirt. Awesome.

»I’m with Luhan.«

»Okay, gimme your phone.«

He does and Chanyeol send this Luhan a message with their location.

»Do you still want his address?«

He doesn’t get an answer, only a sob and then finally this Luhan guy appears through the door, looking relieved.

They start talking in Chinese and then leave, Tao not even looking at Chanyeol. He fucked up.

 **[Text]** I think I just ruined your relationship with Tao OTL. Sorry, bro L

 **[Sehun]**????????

Chanyeol doesn’t write back and decides to find his friends.

*

»You think I should talk to her? She is the prettiest girl here,« Jongdae asks Chanyeol, drunkingly leaning against him because he can’t stand on his own. It’s two hours _past Tao incident_ and Chanyeol lost most of his friends to the alcohol and the dancing masses. Jongdae stuck to him. To this point. Because the other is obviously horny (or thirsty how he calls it) and is now on the hunt. Chanyeol is slightly disgusted. How can someone just pick up a strange person and have sex? It’s not good. Isn’t it way nicer to invite them to a date? Then again… what is this he feels for Baekhyun? Lust or love? Because he tried to kiss him earlier and this is not right. He can’t do it. He does not lust over another human being like this. It’s disgusting. Jongdae is disgusting.

»Hyungiiiiiiiiiiiiieeee, I need the courage. Should I?«

»I think you are too late. Jongin is already talking to her.«

Jongdae growls out.

»I go to her anyways.« And suddenly he is alone. He hasn’t seen Baekhyun in quite a while. Jongdae and Jongin are together. He’s seen Suho, Kyungsoo and Lay half an hour ago. So he just needs to check on Baekhyun and then he will go home.

Drunk people lay on the ground, talking in hushes, a girl comes out crying from the toilet with her friend. German people are weird when drunk. He looks on the dance floors, through the alcohol corpses and on the toilet but can’t find Baekhyun. He sends a text that he waits for him outside but the other doesn’t even read it. So Chanyeol goes home alone. He is sober but is heart is rushing blood to his ears. When he worries about Baekhyun he knows it’s love. When he listens to Baekhyun sing he knows it’s love. When he laughs at Baekhyun’s jokes even if there are not funny he knows he is fucking way into deep. But if it’s love…

Why does he feel so horny?

*

When he comes home there is a make-up remover pad in the sink and he knows that Baekhyun came back home safely before him. Chanyeol wakes up relatively early the next day. He isn’t even hung over despite drinking way too much because of all the water Suho made him drink. So he makes coffee and hangover eggs for Baekhyun and him. Maybe he can surprise him with breakfast in bed. But then he realizes that this is lovey dovey and lovey dovey is bad because Baekhyun has a boyfriend. It can be a friend thing… right. He clicks the on button on the coffee machine and sits down on the couches, waiting for the coffee too finish before making eggs. He is on Instagram, having one new follower and he is tagged in a pic from last night taken by Jongdae. He should call Sehun, he thinks but then the door to Baekhyun’s room opens and he comes out. Except… it’s not him. The person that comes out wears a huge sweater with a bear on it, thick round glasses, has a puffy face, nearly closed eyes and bed hair. He doesn’t see Chanyeol and Chanyeol doesn’t dare to breathe.

No, no, no, no…no.

This means…

The guy vanishes into the bathroom. Chanyeol closes his eyes and tries to forget the last twenty seconds. He will not believe it. But the bathroom door opens again and this time this guy looks exactly in his direction but just makes an annoyed _mhm_ sound before vanishing into Baekhyun’s room.

Maybe they didn’t have sex. Maybe he is a friend who slept over in the dorm’s tiny bed. The thought hurts. Baekhyun cheating. More Baekyhun being not perfect. Because for Chanyeol Baekhyun is perfect like a blank page and now someone else made a scratch on him.

Chanyeol is too nervous to eat breakfast now so he just takes his coffee and hides away in his room, biting his nail and not thinking about that this could have been him.

*

It’s nearly three hours later when Baekhyun comes in coffee in hand, fully dressed and with make-up on. Seriously they partied all night there is no need to put make-up on the day after. Baekhyun is like a make-up maniac, Chanyeol can’t even understand. The other gets up an hour before Chanyeol and how does he even do it when they have class 7.30 in the morning? And then he looks good anyways. Of course Baekyhun looks really pretty and handsome but he will do just fine without make-up. Chanyeol hasn’t even once seen him without make-up. Not even ONCE.

He stares at Baekhyun.

He feels the punch in the face from his own stupidity.

»I just realized that the guy I saw earlier that I thought you had sex with was you without make-up.«

Baekyhun makes a confused/weirded-out face and seems to consider to just leave but then comes nearer.

»How can you not recognize me without make-up? That’s why you stared so weirdly at me before! God, Park!« He hits Chanyeol and in Chanyeol something clicks and he pushes Baekhyun onto the bed, pinning him, both hands right next to Baekhyun’s beautiful face. Then he studies it.

»You have a double lid now, the guy before not. How is this even possible? And your eyes are brighter and seem bigger and your lips are pinker and he didn’t even have any eyebrows before. And like… you were actually _tanned_. Like an Asian person.«

»So you say I was ugly?« Baekhyun frowns but not cute pouty fake frown, no really. Damn. This seems to be a tough topic on the other one.

»No, you weren’t. Actually. I would like to see you without make-up more often. I bet you are kawaii as fuck.« And with this Chanyeol grabs onto Baekhyun’s whole body and hugs him tight.

»No, I’m legit ugly…«

»Shhhh… you have to explain to me the double eyelid mystery, though.«

Baekhyun closes his eyes and then points to what seems like a little sticker on his lid that Chanyeol never really noticed before. He removes the stickers from both of his lids and then opens his eyes and for a second Chanyeol is not able to breathe. Because there is this beautiful boy in his bed and he doesn’t even know it, looking shyly upwards. Then he blinks and Chanyeol just presses Baekhyun’s head against chest, though that’s a bad idea because his heart beats like crazy and Baekhyun may hear. But he can’t stand looking at these cute puppy eyes.

»Why do you do that every day? Seems not so comfortable and annoying…« Chanyeol tries playing cool but his face is hot.

»First I only did it on parties and special occasions or when I was feeling like it. But know I have this really handsome roommate and would feel bad.«

Now Baekhyun embraces him more and it’s bad. Bad to lie on a bed with someone else’s boyfriend in your arms. He can smell Baekhyun’s shampoo. Magnolia.

»We have a good looking roommate?,« he laughs into Baehyun’s hair. The other hits him really, really lightly. Then he sighs.

»You are a good cuddler. I need a good cuddle right now, seriously… I got so drunk yesterday and starting missing Kris and then I just started crying on the party that’s why I left without telling anyone. Then I cried myself to sleep. God, I’m such a wuss.«

Chanyeol just hugs him tighter, trying to numb out the feeling that he gets whenever he hears the name Kris.

»I’m glad you are my friend.«

Chanyeol nods, hoping his heart won’t betray him any further. It’s loud and hurting him. He could cry.

»Kris didn’t pick up when I tried it. All three times. No message. But I have you.«

What is he even doing here?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me like 100 years but life got in the way... the third chapter is already started and will be the last.

»I’m sorry.«

»He hates me now! And he is even cute when he is hating someone. How will I survive this break up?«

Sehun hides his face in both of his hands. His room is really dark, making the webcam image blurry. But Chanyeol has felt so guilty about what happened that he had to see his best friend. The Tao incident is completely his own drunken fault. He could hit himself. But how was he supposed to know that they were a thing when Sehun was always like _nah, we are meeting casual_.

»You could have told me that you were together like this. And that you are a virgin.«

»I’m not but you totally got the timelines wrong.«

Chanyeol sighs frustratedly, so does Sehun.

»I’m so confused. You told me _Bro, I’m hooking up with this cute Chinese guy but it’s totally without boundaries. Awesome, right,_ « he imitates Sehun’s voice but it just sounds like he is stoned.

Sehun looks like he wants to punch Chanyeol for a second there. Good thing there are thousand kilometer between them.

»Noooooo… I wasn’t talking about Tao!! Okay… let me get the story right for you. I got to know Lu Han at a party and we fooled around. But he is like not doing anything serious. So he invites me to another party anyways where I met Tao and I immediately fell in love with him. And Lu Han and I did it two times but I was feeling bad because I liked Tao so much and then Tao and me started dating and I never even spoke to Lu Han again despite saying hello.«

Lu Han… that’s the friend Tao was with.

»Isn’t this his best friend? This is bad, Sehun.«

Sehun’s face screams _bitch_.

»This is why I never told anybody his name!! Tao will be heartbroken even though I never cheated on him. But well Tao and me are trough anyways.«

»Fuck, I’m so sorry, bro. I know you hate me now but I swear I didn’t say anything, he figured it out on his own… I’m a bad liar.«

»I know… I explained to Tao but I didn’t tell him it was Lu Han. He said he needs time. God, it’s been exactly forty-four minutes now and I can’t wait any longer.«

Chanyeol realizes something. Loving someone is the most awful feeling in the world.

*

It’s been three weeks since Baekhyun moved here, it’s Saturday and only three days after the party so they decide to stay in. Chanyeol is playing some games and Baekhyun is having a _cyber date_ with his boyfriend. That’s not the first time they skype. Actually they skype three times a week and text what felt like every minute. Sometimes Baekhyun can’t even watch the whole episode of One Punch Man before pressing pause and messaging back. It annoyed Chanyeol so much that one time he took away the phone. But in this very moment Chanyeol accidently read the last incoming text and never touched Baekhyun’s phone again. Chanyeol also knows better and wears headphones every time he hears Baekhyun talking to himself in his room. Because this Kris-guy… seems really _sexual_. The things he wrote his boyfriend still linger at the back of his mind and sometimes he thinks about them before going to sleep. He also thinks about the way Baekhyun moans. Because he heard him. Once. Since the walls are paper-thin. And he knows he should have just wear headphones. Listen to some music. But it was in the middle of the night and he already lay in bed. He couldn’t. He couldn’t get up and he couldn’t stop his own hand. He’s not proud of it. So he tries not to think about it. And is always wearing his headphones from now on. Problem is… Chanyeol is playing a game, Baekhyun skypes with his boyfriend and Chanyeol really, really needs to go to the toilet. He drank an Energy drink and seriously his bladder is not joking right now.  

He gets up. He tries thinking loudly. Like his thoughts could drown out Baekhyun. Which is of course utter nonsense also because the more he tries ignoring Baek the more he concentrates on listening. So he listens while he leaves the room. Paper-thin walls. Nothing to hide. He can hear Baekyhun talk in English but only can make out very few words. Though there is a curse, Chanyeol freezes and suddenly he can understand every word. So he runs. He shuts himself in the bathroom. This voice. Byun Baekyhun’s perfect voice. It cursed. It cursed. In a low-growl, threatening, throat-aching, hateful tone that can’t be his perfect voice. But somehow it is and somehow Chanyeol can exactly imagine Baekhyun’s face while speaking these words.

_Fuck you, you fucking asshole. I can’t believe you did this to me._

And Chanyeol somehow knows what the man on the other side of the planet has done to Byun Baekhyun to ruin his voice like that.

He collects his thoughts, pushes them into a box in his head and locks it. Then he leaves the bathroom and buries himself in his bed. He hears a crash from the other room. Another slur. A sob. Then quietness. A knock.

 _Come in._ It’s his voice but his mind is somewhere else. His mind is in the moment where Jongdae says

_Be there when they break up._

No, he is not like that. He won’t do that. He is not this disgusting. Not this jaded and corrupted.

Baekhyun stands in his door, tears on his face, racing against each other. He is wearing make-up, it still is completely intact. He has done his make-up for his boyfriend and his boyfriend broke his heart.

Baekyhun lies down next to Chanyeol. Grabs him. He cries for a little while.

»Kris cheated on me.«

»I have Wodka.«

»I love you, Park Chanyeol.«

*

Byun Baekhyun’s hair smells like magnolia. Chanyeol bets his lips will taste like cherry.

But he will never know, will he? He will only ever smell Baekhyun’s hair.

He’s so drunk, his eyes are barely open. Baekyhun is pressed against his side, he has one arm around him, keeping him safe, warm. Or does he? It’s not safe. This time his heart is not racing, the alcohol took off the edge. But then again he feels agitated because of something else. Baekhyun’s presence is all over him. It’s like he could feel exactly where Baekhyun begins and ends, every inch of his skin without touching or looking. The warmth is burning his senses.

»He said we could still stay together.« He hiccups. »Like if I cheat on him and we are even.«

Baekyhun begins right on his chest, hair tickling his nose. Chanyeol kisses it.

»I can cheat on him and then we are fine again… I want to. I really want to. I want to hurt him. I don’t want to be fine again. I just wanna hurt him. But I can’t. I’ve never been with someone else. I’m afraid.«

Chanyeol is quiet. He knows where Baekhyun ends. His feet are buried under his pillow. He is wearing really cute Monki socks. They bought them together. It’s been three weeks since he got to know him. And Kris already cheated on him. Three weeks.

»You shouldn’t do it. He will hurt you again.«

»I won’t take him back. I just want to hurt him. So, so bad. But I’m too shy… fuck.«

There are tears in his eyes so what is he supposed to do? There is no other option.

»I’ll do it. I will sleep with you. You don’t have to be embarrassed around me.«

He is helping his best friend out. The alcohol makes him see the logic behind this.

Baekhyun is looking at him now. Eyes all round and big and red from crying. It’s pitiful and unsexy. But Chanyeol is already too riled up and too drunk to care.

»Really? Really, really? Please tell me you mean it! You are the only one I’d want to do it with.«

Chanyeol pretends not to be hurt by this statement.

_Be there when he breaks up._

Maybe Baekhyun loved him all along? Did he? He did. He liked him as much as Chanyeol likes him. Just that he is a loyal person. Right? He just said it. The only one he’d want to do it with.

Chanyeol can’t speak, only nod and Baekhyun’s eyes are still big as orbs.

»But will you get it up? I will help you, okay? I make it really nice for you.«

»Shhh, it’s okay.« And they are kissing.

*

Chanyeol never kissed anyone. Baekhyun doesn’t taste like cherry but sweeter. Baekhyun’s skin is warm and smooth and if you run your tongue on it, he gets goose bumps. His hands are a little clumsy, a little shaky but only at first.

Chanyeol never had seen the person he liked naked. But Baekhyun undresses without shame. He is very slim and bony. There are no muscles on his stomach but it’s dark and shaved, so is everywhere else. There is this second where he needs to stop. Because he knows Baekhyun shaved not for himself, not for Chanyeol but for Kris. He shaved for another man whom he wanted to have sex with. He chickens out. He wants Baekhyun to go. But then the other does things with his mouths Chanyeol only ever imagined if he dared to and he doesn’t have energy for anything that isn’t moaning.

Chanyeol has never had sex. He is drunk and he knows he shouldn’t do it. He feels disgusted by himself. It’s dirty. Messed up. He is sweating. He is groaning. He feels like an animal, unable to control its desires. And there is Baekhyun, under him, arching his back in pleasure, moaning louder than in any porn Chanyeol ever watched. Is he doing this to Baekhyun or is the other just playing around? Or does he sense his inner fight, wanting him to forget about his conscience. He is reasoning. Sex can’t be done with reasoning. Neither should it be done with self-consciousness. You have to get lost in the other. Chanyeol groans into Byun’s ear, moans his name, calls him Hyung. He never has done this before. Watching Baekhyun cum is the prettiest thing. It first looks like he is in pain but then there is a smile on his face. He made Baekyhun smile. With this thought he comes deep inside the other. They forgot to use a condom. They are stupid.  
Stupid.

It gets on the bed. Everything smells like sex. It’s disgusting. But he is too in love to care.

Chanyeol never kissed his love good night. He does now for the first time. And finally he felt like everything is going to be alright.

*  

 He wakes up when Baekhyun tries to escape his bear hug. Chanyeol feels sticky and smelly but is too tired to care. He tries to kiss Baekhyun but the other is faster and leaves the room while Chanyeol just falls asleep again.

The next day his bed is empty. Dirty and empty. Like his mind. There is a message on his phone. It’s Baekhyun.

_Thank you for being there for me. You are my best friend. It was really nice, don’t worry. But I never wanna talk about it again since we are friends and friends don’t usually do these things. Let’s forget about it_ _J_ _you are my best friend, love you._

Dirty and empty. He rereads the message. Then he cries. Just briefly. He needs to change those sheets. He needs to clean up. The stench of sex brings him nausea. After changing the sheets he gets back to bed.

_What are you even talking about?_ _J_ _love you, too._

He throws away his phone.

Byun Baekhyun is many things. But first of all he is heartbreak.

*

The room is stuffed and Chanyeol seeks condolence in silence. Everyone is drunk at this party. Everyone but him. Because alcohol makes him remember which is ironic. But it reminds him of Baekhyun and his heartbreak. Baekhuyn talks to him, plays with him, acts like nothing happened. And Chanyeol, he is just a good actor. He always has been. Good thing, it’s so loud outside so he doesn’t have to hear himself think.

Chanyeol closes the door and drops on his bed. Why did they invite so many people over? He doesn’t like it. Or is it just because he’s seen Baekhyun engaging with other men, a guy bringing him a drink and him gladly, with a smile, accepting the drink. Maybe because Baekhyun looks like he is straight out of a music video. And not for him but those guys at the party that look at him lustingly.

There is a knock and the door opens. Chanyeol can’t hide his disappointment when he sees it’s Jongdae. It should have been Baekhyun, of course, always Baekhyun, telling him that he fell in love, too. That he wants to be with him like Chanyeol wants to be with Baekhyun. But they didn’t even talk about what happened. Well, only one time when Baekhyun blushed, looked to the ground and said:

»You know, I’m clean. I don’t have STIs I mean… and you?«

And Chanyeol just blushes, too, and shakes his head vehemently, nearly breaking his spine.

Chen comes in without asking, sitting down next to Chanyeol, gently touching his knee, like a brother.

»Baekhyun told me what happened between you two. And that you have a nice dick.«

»He did?! I mean tell you? That we did…«

Jongdae grins smugly. »I knew it! You guys did it! He didn’t tell me but I knew something was up and nobody talks to Jongdae.« He absent-mindly pats Chanyeol’s knee two times while Chanyeol is about to die internally.

»Yeah, we did it but there is nothing to talk about. He said we should never mention it again.«

»But then he cheated on his boyfriend with you and is now regretting it?«

»No, they broke up the night we did it. Before I mean. That’s why…«

Jongdae whistles. »You are a fox, Park Chanyeol. But I’m pretty sure they didn’t break up. I’m sorry. But Baekhyun texted with him and called him boyfriend just this week.«

You could have punched him and it would hurt less than these words. He swallows. Then again because his throat ran dry and he can’t really breathe either. He didn’t allow himself to cry but it’s really hard right now.

»Maybe they made up. It’s okay. Baekhyun said we are just friends. We were drunk and he needed me so I guess it can’t be helped. It’s not a big deal.«

Jongdae has this pitiful look on his face and it makes Chanyeol angry. Angry at himself for even saying it. He lets himself fall back on the bed and rolls around till he finds a position in which he has the face the world the least.

Jongdae is this kind of asshole that lays down beside you and comforts you. He hugs Chanyeol, which is kind of awkward since they are on a bed and since they never have been this close. But it’s kind of nice, too.

»I’m not making a move on you, I’m just a nice brother. I’m into girls. Not two meter daddy-long-legs.«

»You are not my type either. I only like men who break my heart into thousand pieces.«

*

He wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of the bed squeaking and hushed voices. When he realizes it’s coming from the next room his heart starts pounding loud in his ears. Not loud enough to drown out the first moan. He knows that moan. No, he is not allowed to cry. Then he feels Jongdae shift besides him, pulling away the cushions and making a mass – not that Chanyeol cared – and finally, putting a cushion on Chanyeol’s ear, pressing it down and muting out this awful sound.

Then he cries.

*

Everyone in this room is hung-over except Chanyeol but he looks like it the most. His eyes are puffy and red from crying, his whole face is swollen and he has aegyo sacks instead of sals. He crouches at the corner of the couch, trying to hide himself away while drinking coffee and refusing to eat. Chen forced him out of his room by noon to get something into their empty stomachs but to Chanyeol’s luck Baekhyun, two girls and a guy are already blocking the kitchen with their hangover breakfast. Baekhyun is freshly showered and well-dressed and even wears make-up. No wonder after his night. The guy at the table doesn’t seem really interested in Baek so Chanyeol concludes that is not the guy the other had sex with. He probably didn’t stay the night. Didn’t fall asleep with Byun Baekhyun in his arms. Which Chanyeol kind of likes.

Chanyeol barely opens his eyes when Baekhyun sits down right beside him, toast in his hand.

»Come on, eat something, Yeolie. For me~~«

Chanyeol glares and then bites into the toast held for him. They eat it together in silence and after they are finished Baekhyun cuddles up against him.

»Everything alright? You seem exhausted,« Baekhyun whispers. His voice makes a shiver run down Chanyeol’s spine.

»I’m alright.« It’s the most blatant lie in history of the human mankind. I’m alright. Everyone who ever said this wasn’t alright. Baekhyun believes him.

»Did you and Jongdae…?«

  »What? Uh, oh, no. He just slept in my bed.«

Baekhyun smirks. Funnily, now he doesn’t believe him.

»I thought you are straight.«

»Maybe you turned me gay,« he counters which might be kind of true because he has never fallen in love with a boy before. He has never fallen in love like this, actually. With nobody. So deep that he feels like the fall suffocated him. His lungs stopped working before his body crashed into the ground. That is what falling in love with Byun Baekhyun feels like.

»If you were really gay, you would be such a lovely boyfriend,« Baekhyun says and Chanyeol wants to scream in his face: _But I am gay. Or at least gay for you! And that’s enough because there won’t ever be a person I will love like I love you right now._

And it really feels like this. Like he won’t be able to love again. It sounds stupid yes, but misery loves company so when she knocks, you invite her in for tea and dinner and to stay over the night and breakfast and then she moves in just like that.

Chanyeol doesn’t reply. He is saved again by Kim Jongdae, knight in shining armor who breaks them apart and sits himself in the middle.

»Hey, Chanyeol is my oppa now!! We had a special night and he is mine now~~«

Chanyeol could swear he sees Baekhyun’s smile drop for a second. It’s beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on dresslikeurbias.tumblr.com and my twitter @btb_angel :)


	3. Band-aid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, yay. I finished a story!! So I'm very sorry that it's so sad. Mentions of depressions.

Chanyeol firmly believes that the friendzone does exist. Not that Baekhyun owes him anything, no. But no matter how hard Chanyeol tries, Baekhyun still sees him as a friend. Also there is this new thing called heterozone meaning that Baekhyun is still convinced that Chanyeol is 100% not into guys or maybe 98% since he somehow ended up being “shipped” with Jongdae. And Kai. But apart from that Baekhyun seems to know more about Chanyeol’s sexual orientation than himself. He has tried to tell him. To correct him that despite not liking Jongdae or Kai like this, he does like another boy this way. But he can’t. Every time he tries bringing this up, his pulse runs high, his ears go red and he is about to faint from suffocation. And that’s how Chanyeol has ended up in the friendzone and heterozone and there is no way out. It’s been a month now since they slept together and while they haven’t had sex another time, they have slept in the same bed, cuddling, more times than sleeping alone. Chanyeol developed a sleeping problem, made eye bags his new fashion statement (better than Tao) and tables are his new comfort zone. Baekhyun is so clingy and needy, finger always somewhere – right next to – just above – driving Chanyeol crazy. He whines when Chanyeol turns around to finally sleep, leaving Chanyeol awake and frightened for several hours. But a boner being discovered is at least better than not sleeping with Baek. Because then he sleeps with ear phones.

Chanyeol is pretty sure he has turned Byun Baekhyun into a monster. Or at least he has scribbled into a perfectly fine notebook that is Baekhyun.

It’s weekend. Yet again. Which is good because no classes. And bad because Baekhyun wants to drag him out of the comfort of their dorm. They’ve already been out two times this week and the other nights Baekhyun has slept in his bed so Chanyeol is in desperate need of sleep but then Baekhyun looks at him cutely and poof he is in his tightest jeans, dress shirt and contact lenses. Getting ready is an artform invented by Byun Baekhyun and Chanyeol is his disciple. Even though not really by choice.

»Don’t freak out… but I found a gay party tonight, okay. It’s supposed to be really good. It says gay, lesbian and friends so it’s alright if you come. Kiss kiss, bang bang,« Baekhyun reads a flyer and then gives it to Chanyeol.

»It’s okay, I guess. I just wanna dance a little, drink a beer. So I don’t care.«

A gay party actually seems like a not so bad idea. Maybe he then can find out if he is really gay or just into Baekhyun. Maybe then he has an excuse to dance really tightly with Baekyhun. But maybe it’s a really bad idea because he will see the other leave again with a stranger… and he doesn’t need a gay party to find a gay person to sleep with. Every time they go out Baekhyun has a one night stand. Nobody stays over. Only Chanyeol is allowed into his bed like this. And this is somewhat satisfying.

»Kai is coming with us, too. He is looking for a boyfriend. So if you are interested… he likes you very much.«

»I’m not gay,« he lies, biting his lips. Or at least not proven to be. He doesn’t even know how he would think about it. He somehow likes the thought of being gay because this would mean he can actually fall in love with someone else that isn’t Byun Baekhyun. But maybe he is straight which will make his life so much easier but is this even possible when he thinks about undressing another man all day long. So his best bet is actually bi now. Saying he is confused is an understatement.

»I love you anyways,« Baekhyun says as a joke.

»Love you, too,« Chanyeol replies.

*

Maybe it’s the alcohol or the smell of pheromones from 500 horny gay man but Chanyeol finds someone hot that is not Baekhyun. It’s 2 am in the morning so nothing good will happen but this is good. Very good indeed. Chanyeol does blame it on the alcohol and this over sexualized atmosphere, but it’s progress. People are kissing. On the dancefloor. Rubbing against each other like it’s normal. Like it’s not a private thing to do. He can’t watch this, always looked away throughout the whole evening. But then he ordered his third Desperados and they had their third round of “Gisela” and suddenly it doesn’t really seem obscene to him anymore. More like a statement of freedom. Here they are free to do how they like and isn’t this kind of awesome. Kai is awesome, too. The second he hit the dance floor he changed into another person. A sexual beast, Chanyeol will call it in his drunken, hazy state. Something raw and undefined but already scribbled all over. At first Chanyeol laughs because the younger gets so much attention, he is kind of proud knowing this awesome dancer. But now, 2 am in the morning, the music got slower, a steady beat pumping in his ears, a tired feeling in his muscles, and Kai is so attractive. So desirable to him. He can’t stop watching. Can’t help thinking about all the things Kai and him can do together on the dance floor, a shady corner, the bathroom, his bed. And then his train of thought stops. No, not his bed. His bed is for Byun Baekhyun that somehow manages to enter his mind again. Kai. He thinks about Kai now. Kai is good. He is not jealous of him. He is not in love with him. Why has he never realized how hot Kai can be? Maybe he needs a stage to shine. Chanyeol stares so much that he doesn’t even realize the point where Baekhyun left him for good for some hot foreigner who he seems to be really into now. Blondes. Tall. …bigger. Kai. Yes. The other rolls his hips, shirt riding high. Chanyeol is so glad he is here. If he thinks Kai is hot this means there is hope. Right? Because Kai is only the second person he ever found hot in real life. Yes, he had some crushes on girl group members and after this thing with Baekhyun started he tried his luck with gay porn. But whenever it comes to people in his environment, people he could actually date… nothing. He has never been interested. But now is the time to be interested because he can’t wait for Baekhyun to lose this ass of a boyfriend as well as his quarter life crises. No, he has to get over him, soon.

He gets up, walks right up to the dance floor. The music feels like it’s surrounding him like a physical blanket, wrapping him up and pushing him forward towards the small stage where Kai stands. Lean, beautiful Kai, dancing like he is alone. He moves so fast that he doesn’t realize that he is there and the next thing he knows is that he is pressed against the younger. His crotch rubbing against the other’s ass, he is hard in a second, breathing obscenely loud into Kai’s neck. This is disgusting, yes. He can’t ever show his face in front of his parents again. But god is this good.

Kai turns around and suddenly they are kissing. Chanyeol’s second kiss (not counting all those kisses he shared the night with Baekhyun). It’s drunken again. And really sloppy, a little too wet. Not perfect but perfect right now. There are a millions thought in his mind right now. One is lifting Kai up and pressing him against the next wall he can find. One is running away, of course. But this thought loses. He opens his eyes, breathless, wow just wow. Kai is beautiful. And then there is Baekhyun. Looking at him from across the room. But he just kisses Kai again.

*

When he wakes up, Kai isn’t in his bed. He pulls the blanket over himself. Last night has been kind of amazing. There is a little part missing from leaving the club with Kai, making out with him in the taxi and landing alone in bed. But he guesses even his drunken-self had some self-control. He looks at his phone and there is a Kakao message from Kai. The first one in this chat.

_[3:12] Thank you for taking me home safely. I had a wonderful night. Let’s meet next week?_

And then there is the Kakao friend kissing emoticon. Chanyeol grins. But it’s wiped from his face when he reads Baekhyun’s chat log:

[2:41] _where are you?_

_[2:44] Park Chan Yeol. I’ve seen you with Kai_

_[2:51] you left with him??????????? Without me?????_

_[3:01] I’m going home too now_

_[3:12] I have company_

_[3:24] I’m going to whoop your ass for dumping me there for Kai. I cN’t believe u_

_[3:25] ass_

_[3:40] you still awak? Wanna come over to my room?_

_[3:51] you are an asshole_

_[4:09] arschloch_

_[4:09] wichser_

_[4:09] Hackfresse_

Chanyeol guesses that the last few messages are just random German insults. He puts the phone away. Then he takes it again and writes:

_You could have come to my bed. You can come now._

He hears the door and suddenly there is Byun Baekhyun. Without make-up. Without his fashionable clothes. Without contacts, fake double lids and without perfect hair. No, with sleep in his eyes, a sour expression, oily skin. Chanyeol has never been more attracted to him. He has a million thoughts right now. None involves Kai.

*

»Oi, Chanyeolie,« Baekhyun whispers into his ear and it’s so sweet, Chanyeol moans, half sleeping, half dreaming, really, more than being awake.

»Your boner is poking me, hey… it’s rude.«

Chanyeol humms and cuddles Baekhyun. But how rude, he suddenly gets hit and then he isn’t dreaming anymore, he has the hugest morning wood and Baekhyun looks at him offended. »Oh, god, sorry… it isn’t… I mean it wasn’t you.«

Baekhyun gets up, chuckling. »Must have dreamt about Kai. That was a surprise yesterday.«

»Ask me about it.« It still is a surprise. Seriously. Him and Kai? How did this happen. He smiles to himself, though. It was really hot.

»So I turned you gay?«

»I don’t think that’s how it happens…and also I don’t know if I’m gay. This sexuality shit is so weird. I looked it up and there are like thousand different sexualities,« he groans and closes his eyes again. He tries to ignore his aching boner by focusing on this instead of Baekhyun in his bed.

Bakehyun looks at him for a long time, being unusually quiet and it would be the perfect opportunity to just kiss him.

»Are you still with Kris?« is what he asks instead of kissing and those lips he wants to kiss part in surprise.

»Yeah, but just because I haven’t talked to him in a while. I mean everyone involved knows it’s over… I hate men so much. They are all lying, cheating bastards and he made me into one, too. Please don’t cheat on Kai, please, if you do I won’t be your best friend anymore.«

Baekhyun lies down again, head on Chanyeol’s chest and he must hear his rapid heartbeat.

»But Kai and me are not a thing,« Chanyeol murmurs back. Too much conversation. Too early.

»Give him a chance… and I need to tell you as a friend that you smell like party, it’s disgusting.«

Chanyeol tickles him lazily for this rude sentence and why does this always feel like a non-friend thing?

»You, too, babe.«

And then he really wants to kiss him but he really smells like party and wodka and self-loathing.

*

Two days later he has his first _date_ with Kai. Which makes it the first date ever. He is nervous. Baekhyun has forced him to say yes when Kai asked him out via Ktalk. Chanyeol was going to say yes but he would have hoped Baekhyun is a little less enthusiastic about this. Kai and him both agreed on something casual and easy, so Chanyeol just picks him up from Uni and they go straight to a little coffee shop that he usually visits for some energy to go. It’s a cute café with something he would call the German charm. They have a lot of German pastries so Kai and he need like five minutes to decide what looks best. Kai is cute. Really, really cute. When he thinks about the guy he groped and kissed at a gay party… well, that’s not really him. Kai is shy and laughs a lot about the things Chanyeol says. Suddenly Kai seems way more like boyfriend material than he first made him out to be. Boyfriend material? What is he even thinking… it’s their first date. Okay, they already kissed so their order is a little messed up. Usually you wouldn’t kiss on the first date, non-less before, right?

»Are you alright, Hyung?«

Chanyeol snaps out of his panic and there he is: Kim Jongin, smiling, taking his breath away. Thank god. Thank god, god, god.

»You are so cute right now… I’m sorry.« He blushes. »I am just a little nervous.«

Kai nods and takes his hand across the table.

»Me too!« he exclaims in relief. »But we already kissed so much and I really liked you since this one party and… we shouldn’t be nervous.«

Chanyeol smiles and feels the best in months.

From this point on the conversation go more fluidly, he is funnier and Kai loses his shyness. A little too much.

Because it’s an hour into this date and they are in Kai’s flat, who lives alone, which is quite handy right now, since they are pressed against the wall, making out. More precisely Kai is pressed against the wall, legs around Chanyeol’s hips. This is all a little fast but then again fuck the order, he is horny, Kai is hot and he needs to forget about Baekhyun. Is this too mean…? Dammit. He breaks the kiss.

»Kai, I… like you. But I also like someone else but I really wanna forget about him,« he stammers out. Words thin, cheeks red.

»It’s okay… me, too, actually. I really like you.«

So they kiss again. Kai seems to do this kind of thing often. Chanyeol doesn’t so he is nervous again. What if he has been so bad the first time it’s the real reason Baekhyun doesn’t want to sleep with him again? He stops the kiss, panic in his eyes. He must have been so bad!!

»Hyung… are you still nervous?«

Chanyeol nods, panic all over his face.

»Lay down, I will help you relax in no time.«

And this is how, on a couch in an one room apartment, Chanyeol received his second blow job. And he somehow manages to not think about Baekhyun (for too long).  

*

He grins a lot for the rest of the week. Jongdae tells him he doesn’t recognize him. That’s a good thing. Kai and him hang out a lot in Uni and always end up in Jongin’s apartment, sometimes even missing class. So he naturally smiles when he sees Sehun’s icon going green on Skype. After their fight they talked only little and Chanyeol still feels bad and like he lost his friend due to his stupidity. So he just presses the green phone button.

Sehun grins back at him.

»You dirty ass motherfucker I don’t want to see your face!« Sehun greets him and grins even more.

»Waaaaaaaaaa, how do you talk to me? I’m your hyung.«

Sehun laughs. »No, I love you. I’m very happy you exist, actually. Thanks to your mom. Who you are not fucking. Who are you fucking, you look so healthy??! What did I miss, damn?«

»I’m dating someone.«

»Oh my god, a foreign girl??? I knew these were your type!«

Chanyeol scratches his neck. »Near… it’s a guy and he is Korean.«

Sehun’s mouth goes open and he freezes and Chanyeol only knows it’s not a connection error because another person walks into the frame. This person only wears underwear and Chanyeol can see a small toned belly before this person shrieks high pichted and dives behind Sehun. Then a head appears behind Sehun’s shoulder. And it’s Tao. Now Chanyeol gapes like a stupid person.

»Oh, yeah, that’s the reason I love you. Tao came to see me and now we are back together.«

»I flew to Korea to punch him in the face but I kinda messed up…«

»Messed up and landed in my bed instead, yeah.« Sehun grins and Tao hits him.

»Don’t you have classes, though?« Chanyeol asks and earns an annoyed look.

»I’m coming back next week… god, I’m going to die from work load. But Chanyeol-oppa will help me, right?? Since he is the one who messed up.«

Chanyeol protests loudly, chaos erupting.

»It’s hyung, not oppa, babe.«

They laugh and yeah, Chanyeol feels really good for the first time in months. So he tells them about Kai and he got full support from Sehun. He doesn’t talk about Baekhyun, though.

*

Chanyeol-Oppa is too busy satisfying Kai’s every needs to help Tao. And his own, on this that matter. He is barely home, barely in classes and barely dressed. Kai is having a lot of energy and endurance. Chanyeol is his learning student. Turns out he isn’t bad at sex which means this can’t be the reason, Baekhyun doesn’t like him. No, Jongin even says Baekhyun is stupid to have let him go. And Chanyeol agrees. But then he tries not to think about Baekhyun while he is inside another boy and it’s working. More or less. His raging boner for Baekhyun is at least gone. But now, whenever he sees him he wants to wrap him in a blanket, make him tea, cuddle him warm, hold his hands. Just hold his hands for now because he is precious.  And he wants to protect him from all the bad guys and heartbreak in this world. There will never be someone good enough for Baekhyun, including Chanyeol himself. He tries seeing him as a brother, really does, but this it’s hard when he’s coming into your room at 23:30, a little buzzed, a little sad, a little tired.

He doesn’t even knock. Maybe he thinks Chanyeol isn’t there anyways. But he is. Because time flies by and the semester is ending soon and he has to study, having promised his worried mother. Chanyeol isn’t studying, though. He is writing a song (talk about procrastination), sitting on his bed, startled by Baekhyun who is now standing in his doorway.

»Have you ever…,« he slurs a little and comes in, closing the door.

»Baekhyun?«

»Have you ever felt the need to get fucked so bad that you could tear out your own hair. I’m so thirsty it’s not even funny anymore.«

Chanyeol blinks at him. »Uhm-«

This is not a brother to brother conversation, is it?

»Sorry, why am I asking you? You never took it up the ass… God, Chanyeol,« Baekhyun nearly moans his name.

His chest is tingling. He wants to hear this voice saying his name always and to any time. Baekhyun bites in his fingers, leaving Chanyeol staring. God dammit, he is being sexually active but one Byun Baekhyun talking shit is enough to make him hard.

»Let’s watch porn together.«

»You can do it alone.«

»But I’m drunk.«

Chanyeol would have laughed about this sense of reasoning but his soul is long gone.

»You should go to bed. Here, I’ll tuck you in and scratch your back, okay?«

It takes him 15 minutes to get Baekhyun into his bed, the other protesting loudly, but once they are settled and Chanyeol scratches his back, the other is silent.

»If you weren’t with Kai, I’d let you fuck me.«

»You are drunk, I’d never do it.«

»I wish you were my boyfriend.«

»You are drunk.«

»Yes I am…«

Men don’t cry, he tells himself. Men don’t take advantage of someone. He wishes he would be stronger than this but when he holds Baekhyun in his arms, he smells him, his body shop parfume, cigarette smoke, beer, and he feels him, the warmth radiating from his body. He also thinks about fucking him. Deep and hard, making him moan his name so loud their roommates hear – like all those men always fuck him. And it makes him aggressive how those men treat Baekhyun like a toy when he is such a wonderful human being. He hates Baekhyun for letting these men do it to him.  

Suddenly, Baekhyun turns around to him and just smiles, before closing his eyes. And this is the moment where Chanyeol thinks, fuck it all.

»I am in love with you.«

His heart is racing, making him choke on air.

The answer he gets is a cute quiet snore.

*

Chanyeol feels bad. Understatement of the year. He has a cute perfect maybe-boyfriend, whatever this is with Jongin, and he tells other boys he loves them. So when he sees Kai this day, he barely looks him in the eyes, playing with the disgusting cafeteria food and Jongin starts being even more awkward than usually, laughing high pitched at his own stories before falling silent and shoving his plate away.

»You want to tell me something, right?« He doesn’t sound mad.

»Not here, Jongin.«

»We speak Korean, nobody understands…« Jongin huffs, looking onto the table.

»I’m sorry. I’m still in love with Baekhyun.« This was easier than telling Baekhyun so he feels like he already ripped off the band-aid for a good part and now completely.

»I know, I told you I don’t mind… I’m in love with my best friend. We are just here for each other. No strings attached…«

»But… I don’t know. Baekhyun slept in my bed last night and now I feel like I cheated on you.«

Some guy sits down right beside him and gives Chanyeol a heart attack. It’s nobody they know thank god.

»It’s okay, I’d do the same thing if Taemin would sleep in my bed. I’d let him sleep there. Just… it’s really nice with you so I admit I’d be sad if you got together with him. And I kinda hope we both fall in love with each other. But I’d never kill you if you get your Byun Baekhyun. Maybe I won’t talk to your for a week,« Jongin laughs at that and Chanyeol’s lump in his throat finally relaxes and he coughs awkwardly.

»I really like you. I only see Baekhyun for a month and then we both go back to Korea to different Universities. Everything will get better.«

»When we go back we can see each other all the time, too. We go to the same University, so no problem, right?«

And then it hits him. Really hard in the face. Reality that is.

In one month he won’t wake up to Byun Baekhyun in his arms again. Won’t see him without make-up ever again. Maybe only meet him in pubs late at night. If ever. Only one month left and he is wasting it with moping about being in the friendzone.

Fuck it, he will lose Baekhyun and he can’t let that happen.

*

Chanyeol practically knocks down Baekhyun’s door when he comes home. He has told Jongin he needs to study and the other knew it was a lie but nodded anyways. Chanyeol breaks into the room before Baekhyun can even answer while yelling »I missed you« out of breath.

»I missed you, too, honey. Food is in the kitchen, beer in the fridge, game is on.«

Baekhyun looks up from behind oversized glasses and smirks. He is sitting on his bed, book in his lap and various sheets of paper around him.

»No, I mean it!« Chanyeol pouts.

»Me too! I’m going literally insane over this exam. Psychiatry. Like if I study one more positive symptom it will be Psycho rerun 2016 in here. Chanyeol kill me, make it stop, I already cried five time today.«

Chanyeol is fighting off paper sheets faster than lightspeed, channeling his way to Baekhyun and wrapping one arm around him, keeping it all cool and bro while he just wants to cuddle him to death to make him feel better.

»I help you~«

»Park Chanyeol, you are perfect.«

And then he wriggles out of the hug and places himself in front of him, giving Chanyeol a book. The glasses look so cute on him, Chanyeol stares at him for three minutes before the other waved in front of his face, telling him what to do with the text book.

So they review all the F codes and symptomatic of the ICD diagnoses, as well as DSM5 and everytime Baekhyun is about to cry, Chanyeol smiles at him.

»Okay the next is depression.«

»Chanyeol, this is too easy,« Baekhyun groans and rolls his eyes. »At least five of nine symptoms… depressed mood or irritable most of the day, decreased interest or pleasure, significant weight change, change in sleep, change in activity, fatigue or loss of energy, guilt and worthlessness, bad concentration and suicidal thoughts.«

»Oh, I think I have this.«

Baekhyun hits him lightly and shakes his head. »Everyone is depressed sometimes. Me after Kris cheating on me, me after breaking up with him for real, me while I have to study. That’s just life. Life doesn’t always need a label. Sometimes it’s enough to know that life sucks right now and it will get better and not hide behind a word. Sorry what am I even talking? I hate psychology. Maybe I just can’t bare you being sad because you are my happy virus.«

Chanyeol smiles at him. »You are mine.«

And the words _I love you_ lay right at the tip of his tongue. _Tell him_.

»I love your smile.«

No, god dammit. Chanyeol bites his lip. Why is he being so stupid?

»But you smile way more handsome,« Baekhyun answers and they should do a smile off to see who smiles cuter and Chanyeol know, the other will win. He leans forward, stopping at forehead against forehead and he smiles at Baekhyun and Baekhyun smiles back. It would only take a few more centimeters to bring their lips together but Chanyeol doesn’t dare. Would never dare. But his heart is pounding so loud he is afraid the other will hear.

»So what is the next one? Bipolar?«

And with this, Chanyeol is back to reality.

*

This semester ends sooner than Chanyeol wants it too, only one week of classes left and five exams to go. His studying is way behind even though he doesn’t really have anything to do. Everyone is studying, meeting up in the library. He goes with them, is meeting Jongdae, Jongin, their friends and Beakhyun but if asked what he learnt this semester he can only answer that _love is a bitch_. If he doesn’t see Baekhyun in the library, he doesn’t see him at all, the other practically barricading himself behind his medicine books. So sometimes he’d write him a text in the middle of the night, saying _I miss you_ and then there is a knock on his door and a second later a Byun Baekhyun is lying in his bed. The fact that the semester is nearly ended is hitting him right in the face when Jongin asks him to go to the Semester End party in the cafeteria with him.

»Fuck, I can’t believe it’s over.« Chanyeol sips his beer.

»I can’t believe you haven’t manage shagging Baekhyun in these last four months. It was so pitiful and now it’s over, thank god.« Chanyeol hits Jongdae for his stupid mouth, Kyungsoo grins at the edge of the sofa. Those bastards. Why is he friends with them again? Well, like Jongdae put it: it’s all over soon anyways. Man, this is so depressing. Even more depressing than his depression he got all semester long.

»I mean it… it’s sad. Seoul is way bigger than this… will we even meet there?«

»Chanyeol, cheer up, don’t bring me down now.« Jongdae fills them shots and pokes it right under Chanyeol’s nose.

»Cheers, then,« Chanyeol says, rolling his eyes and drowning the liquor.

An hour later he finds himself on the streets, singing Taylor Swift songs with everyone in unison and it’s really like they are a boyband. Instead of Jongin, Baekhyun is at his side, half hugging, half dragging him forward to finally reach the party. He has been overworking himself so hard, he needs to let go, needs to dance and get drunk and fucked, he said to Chanyeol. Last part doesn’t involve him, though. And he doesn’t want to, he just wants to stare at him all night long. In disco lights and skinny jeans, dancing like nobody is watching.

So he does.

In his arms a beautiful boy. Then Jongin is away again, dancing on his own like he owns the place, dancing like he needs to pay the rent and Chanyeol’s focus is on him again because how can it not? He leads him by the hand outside at 3am in the morning, unable to bear it any longer, this show of showing off his feather like a mating dance. Jongin has found a mate.

Chanyeol drags him into the stair case, the door falls shut and the music is shushed out. He smiles at Jongin and the other smiles back, all small and shy.

»You are a bad boy, Park Chanyeol… I know this look.«

»I’m not doing anything.« _But I want to._

»You know that people are coming here to smoke, right?,« Jongin grins, like he is superior in this situation. He is, though. Chanyeol is just horny. The other wants to rile him up and he does a perfect job. He pushes him against the wall, new found self-confidence thanks to his teacher Jongin, trained for more than a month now. Jongin gasps and bites his lip, then smiles.

»I like you the most when you are funny and when you are horny,« Jongin whisper, arousal in his voice.

»Oh, you want me to make a joke right now?«

»Shut the fuck up.«

They end up on the stairs, Jongin’s face in Chanyeol’s lap. Chanyeol’s mind far beyond, somewhere in Hongkong, hand holding on to the railing.

When the door opens, he is actually about to not care, till someone calls out his name and a shiver runs down his spine. He doesn’t need to open his eyes to know it’s Byun Baekhyun, sounding incredibly drunk, smug and like he is going to tease him forever for catching him having sex in a stair case. He opens them, though, his mind slowly coming back, gripping Jongin’s head, to get him away. Though the other just continues, taking him in even deeper while Chanyeol stares into Baekhyun’s eyes, choking on air.

»Well, this is awkward,« Baekhyun blurts out and laughs.

FINALLY, Jongin seems to understand the fucking situation und releases him. Baekhyun stops laughing. Chanyeol is ready to jump over the railing.

»You can continue, though. Don’t mind me.«

Chanyeol’s eyes go even bigger, feeling the need to protest this statement, but in Jongin’s head it makes perfect sense. He feels like in a Western 19+ film. They don’t have any shame like this. Helplessly he looks to Baekhyun but the other watches Jongin’s up and down movement, then stares at his lips and then he moves. But he isn’t leaving, like Chanyeol hopes, no, he is coming nearer and before he knows it, Baekhyun is kissing him.

Kissing.

Him.

On this lips. With tongue.

Chanyeol dies, resurrects and then cums down Jongin’s throat without a warning. Baekhyun just continues kissing Chanyeol for a while and Chanyeol forgets that Jongin has been there even in the first place. He grabs Baekhyun’s hair, pulls it, turns their roles around, leading the kiss now. He feels like he is going to explode from the love he has for Byun Baekhyun. It feels so bad that he nearly mistakes it as hate. Then he opens his eyes and sees him, really sees him. Under all this make-up hides a soft, funny boy who is the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. A blank page in a new Moleskin book. Pure. Innocent. Too good for this world.

Suddenly Baekhyun stops kissing him, stops touching him and moves away, moves over to Jongin, who is still there, silently watching them, and pulls him into a kiss right next to Chanyeol’s face.

Then Chanyeol realizes his mistake.

Byun Baekhyun is not perfect. He is not a blank page. And Chanyeol himself never ruined him.

Byun Baekhyun is a book many people wrote on. A colorful book, full of life.

Chanyeol was a blank page and Baekhyun ruined him. But isn’t that the most satisfying feeling in the world?

*

When Chanyeol wakes up, he only has a vague memory of the night. And he has a beautiful boy in his bed. He really tries remembering what has been happening between the kiss (it did happen, right??) and him landing in the same bed as Baekhyun.

He gets him closer so he doesn’t have to look at him.

»I love you, Hyung.«

»No, you don’t. But I love you, Chanyeol.«

He freezes. Baekhyun is awake. Chanyeol jolts away, shocked.

»You love some perfect little picture of me. A Byun Baekhyun that has a beautiful, flawless face, studies well and loves to pet puppies. Not someone who is addicted to video games, looks like a pig without make-up, who procrastinates, who loves having sex with strangers. You want someone miserable who you can fix. But I’m not miserable. I’m fine. I’m a human. I have ups and downs. I’m perfectly imperfect. I wish you would love this about me.«

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything for a while and Baekhyun just cuddles into him again.

‎‎»I’m sorry. But I do love you. I’ve seen you in the morning and I still love you. I heard you fucking too many guys. I still love you. Yes, maybe, I wanted you to be sweet and innocent. But I really do love you and I wanna be your boyfriend.«

His eyes water a little. He doesn’t wanna cry in front of Baekhyun, it’s stupid. But he really means it.

»I’m not that ugly without make-up, you ferret brat.« Baekhyun laughs and hits him. »You know, I was afraid I’d break your heart so I arranged the Jongin-thing. But in the end I ended up being heartbroken. So the only fair thing now, is that you become my boyfriend. Because I’m a selfish person.«

They kiss. Briefly. A little less briefly. Longer. Then Chanyeol breathes again.

»You broke my heart first, pabo.«

»We should say we are even and then you fuck me into this mattress.«

Chanyeol smiles smugly. »Okay, we are even.«

 

END.


End file.
